Don’t feed the bears! When the best response is no response at all

September 3rd, 2010

This summer we vacationed in Lake Tahoe, California. Everywhere we went people warned us about the bears. In fact, the camping sites we saw all had bear boxes – metal boxes built off the ground to store perishables to keep the bears out. We even toured a set of condominiums where the night before a band of bears tore up the grass in the courtyard.

For most of the people in Lake Tahoe the bears are more of a nuisance than a bother.  As long as there is food, the bears will keep coming back.

The bears in our life act the same way – they keep coming back as long as we feed them! By bears I mean people who feed off of negativity and conflict and the more negativity and conflict the hungrier they get. The best way to handle the bears in our life is to simply not feed them.  Here is an example.

My friend Loraine tells this story. A few months ago she posted a comment on Facebook that was misinterpreted by one of her friends that I will call Mama Bear. Mama Bear posted a reply that was curt and offensive hurting Loraine’s feelings. Loraine responded trying to explain which only created more contention and conflict. To that response Mama Bear shoots another reply back and so the volley continues until finally Loraine simply decides to not feed the bears! How many email threads or Facebook posts have you seen that escalate until someone finally decides to stop responding?

By not feeding the bears I am suggesting that you be selective in your responses and in most cases just letting it go my not responding at all. In The Happiness Factor I discuss this in the chapter on Emotional Generosity. Emotional Generosity is the quality of being kind, welcoming and understanding without being condemning or critical. In essence, it means cutting some slack and giving someone the benefit of the doubt.  By not feeding the bears, using wisdom by not saying anything, letting comments go and not retaliating, you are actually being quite generous with your emotions and giving of who you are not just of what you have.

The hard part is that so often we really want to feed the bears! We want to retaliate and in many cases we are justified in doing so. However, the better part of valor is to be still, to stay silent and to let it pass. Just like the bears near Lake Tahoe, the more you feed them, the more they keep coming back. If you want to stop being pestered by the bears – don’t feed them.

Posted in Cultivating Optimism, Emotional Addiction, Forgivenss, Happiness, self-esteem | No Comments »

Get the Love You Want and Deserve

July 27th, 2010

I usually write and post my own articles but since I believe that often times our perceptions of who we are with, our family, friends and especially spouses, can get in the way of true and lasting happiness, I wanted to share this article with you. - Kirk 

Love is one of the most talked about, sung about, written about and sought after aspects of life.  And yet very few of us experience the joy and excitement we’d like and that is possible in relationship.  Why is that? 

 

Could it be that we never really learned how to go about loving another in a way that honors and appreciates the differences between women and men so they actually enhance the dating, relationship, intimacy and fun?  Is it that simple?

 

Yes.  It’s that simple.

 

We are sent to school to learn all sorts of things to help us succeed in life:  writing, arithmetic, science, history, physical education, etc.

 

For relationships, though, we rely solely on our home experience, what we witness one or both of our parents doing with others as they date and or live in their relationships and marriages.  What did you learn?  What was demonstrated to you?  Importantly, what are you living today?

 

Women and men are fundamentally different.  We are not broken versions of one another.  We are different.  To be fair, when we were young we displayed those differences and we even implicitly knew them.  Think back on what you played as a child.  When asked men typically list out a variety of sports (football, basketball, baseball) along with things like cops & robber or bicycle racing.  Women also mention competitive sports (softball, volleyball, basketball) along with dolls, stuffed animals and house.

 

Here’s what we know:  boys play competition while girls play relationship.  And therein lies one of the root differences that plays out again and again in our relationships with one another.  Think about it.  Boys always keep score, even if they are only keeping track of who can spit the farthest or hit the sign post the most times with a rock.  It matters who wins.  They want to win, even if it means beating their best friend.  And, there’s nothing personal about it.  After the game, win or lose, they are all friends. (Women, ask a trusted man about this.)

 

Girls keep score when they play sports too, and they want to win. However, they also care about whom they are playing with and how those dynamics are going.  They want to win and have a great experience with their teammates.  And it is personal. Their games of house or dolls or stuffed animals (or even sports) invariably are all about how the different characters involved relate to one another.  They play relationships with so many nuances that it boggles the male mind.

 

Believe it or not, this is all very good news for women and men seeking a relationship or in relationship. These differences and many more, can actually enhance your experience of each other and your appreciation of one another-when understood.  Most often, though, they tend to confuse us, at best, and frustrate each person, at worst.

 

We can help.  There are only a few things to know and live and we cover them all in our 4-week teleseminar Getting the Love You Want & Deserve.  You’ll learn about love language differences, the best of men and how to elicit it, the complexity of women and how to navigate it plus how to have your physical environment support the relationship you are seeking or already have.  We are about going forward with energy & delight, not about what’s gone wrong. 

 

Join us for one or all the sessions, beginning Thursday, July 15 via phone and/or web.  Detailed course descriptors at www.fengshuisuccess.com/love.htm

 
 - Linda Binns & Carolyn Casey

 

 

Linda Binns “The Feng Shui Success Strategist,” is a professional feng shui coach, author, speaker and consultant, specializing in long-distance feng shui consulting.

 

Carolyn Casey is a relationship and gender expert, speaker and Love and Logic Parent facilitator.

Posted in Happiness | No Comments »

Is Life Passing you by?

June 3rd, 2010

I recently had a client come to me with an overwhelming feeling that the world was passing him by. He felt as if he was standing still while opportunity, excitement and people just whizzed past.  As we began our discussion it was clear that he also felt lost and without direction and even though he worked hard and was busy, he couldn’t see any progress.

It is not uncommon for us all to feel this way at one time or another and it is easy to let this feeling of being lost and left behind consume our thinking. My advice to my client was to first of all relax into this feeling and not resist it. When our spirit or our intuition is trying to tell us something or teach us an important lesson it can often make us feel uneasy and out of sorts. Rather than resist the feelings, relax into what you are feeling and be blessed with greater insight and inspiration.

Secondly, I suggest that instead of feeling despair we should look at these kinds of feelings as an indicator that we need to make some emotional adjustments. I travel often and one of the first things I do when I get into a rental car is adjust the rear-view mirrors. I could drive away without adjusting the mirrors but I want to gain the perspective of where I have been. We too should adjust our emotional rearview mirrors from time to time to get a sense of what we have accomplished, who we have become and perhaps some things we may have missed. It would be ridiculous to drive forward by only looking in the rearview mirror but some of us do that each day – instead of a healthy relationship with the past we try to move forward with our eyes looking behind us. When you feel as if the world is passing you by, don’t look behind you, look forward, and take action.

Lastly, this uneasy feeling can creep up on us when we lack purpose. While many people feel that this uneasy feeling is remedied by setting goals I have met a lot of goal oriented people who also experience an unsettling feeling. Purpose is more about who you are and how you go about living life than it is about the what of life. Purpose is how and why you achieve your goals not the goals themselves.

To use the feeling of the world rushing you by and to help you feel you have direction in your life I suggest writing out either a new life purpose or refining the one you have. You can do this by asking yourself the following questions:

What am I all about?

What do I stand for?

What actions am I taking to accomplish what I am all about?

There are other exercises you can do to help you define a life purpose that I would be happy to send to you. Don’t worry whether the purpose you write is a perfect purpose for you. If it is wrong, the uneasy feeling will return and prompt you to refine it. I always recommend to my clients to pick a purpose and listen to your gut to tell you if it is right or wrong. Then live it, evaluate it and refine it.

If you feel as if you are wandering, like you are a sailboat without a rudder, don’t despair. Relax into the feeling and let it motivate you to take action. The feeling will disappear until you need to be prompted to take action to refine your purpose. Don’t let uneasy feelings get you down let them work on you and within you.

Posted in Happiness | No Comments »

The Art of Forgiving

May 10th, 2010

Time does not heal all wounds!

I have heard it said that “withholding forgiveness is like grabbing on to a red-hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone.” Perhaps you have heard that “not forgiving is like swallowing a slow acting poison hoping it will harm someone else.” Let’s face it, forgiveness is not about the person who has hurt or offended you, it is all about you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself - a gift that has enormous benefits and keeps on giving.

In my next book, Don’t let the past ruin your day – How to go from Victim to Hero in Ninety Seconds! (due out next spring) I share how forgiveness is a pathway to happiness that helps you rise above being a victim to being the hero of your own life.  You see, forgiveness is a reflection of your self-worth and integrity and allows you to identify yourself, not by past events, injuries or offences, but by who you are, what you represent and how you feel about yourself. In fact, forgiveness is one of the ways you can start to re-build your self-worth.

Many times we approach forgiving as an outward event, something we ‘give’ to someone else. I believe that the first step to forgiving is to recognize your own value, your own self-worth and how much you deserve emotional freedom.  It is more like a ‘gift’ we give ourselves.

For example, let’s say that you have been wronged by some injustice. Would you drive to the county jail and lock yourself in a cell? Sounds absurd doesn’t it? Well, the truth is that when you have been wronged and don’t take steps to forgive you end up losing some your emotional freedom as if you are locked up in some kind of emotional jail cell. Set yourself free by learning how to forgive, practicing it and doing it regularly.

In most cases you are the one hurting the most and the person you are blaming has likely moved on and doesn’t feel as bad as you do.

You make the choice to stop hurting when you reach the point of wanting to take your life back and that you want to heal. When you finally reach that point forgiveness becomes a real possibility.

Let’s not kid ourselves by thinking that forgiveness is easy or that it is unnecessary or that we have already forgiven something that still bothers us and causes us pain. Deciding to forgive someone who has harmed you is a hard choice to make. There are some hurts, offenses, betrayals and abuse that seem too horrible to forgive.  Because we are human, because of our programming our natural response is to seek revenge and to get even and demand an apology or retribution.

We should also remember that the one person who deserves your forgiveness more than anyone else is you!

Forgiveness is both a daily practice and a journey but one that can release us from bitterness and hatred. Think of how much room you would have for happiness by unloading the burden of past offenses. Yes, forgiveness is a journey but we begin healing from the very first step.

When we forgive with real intent we break out of the emotional prison we have built up around us. You can break free; you can feel peace, happiness instead of bitterness and anger. Do it today!

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Cultivating Optimism, Emotional Addiction, Forgivenss, Happiness | No Comments »

You can learn to laugh

April 4th, 2010

It is reported by one of the leading experts on health and laughter, William Fry, M.D. that adults have simply forgotten how to laugh. He reports that a child in kindergarten laughs approximately 300 times where as an adult barely reaches 17 laughs on a good day. Sure, there is much more stress, we are uptight and we have a lot more responsibility but maybe there is something to learn from these kindergartners.  We need to laugh a lot more!

William James (1842 – 1910), who many consider the Father of American positive psychology once said, “We don’t laugh because we’re happy, we are happy because we laugh.”  We have also heard it said that laughter is the best medicine.  In 1976 The New England Journal of Medicine published an article by Norman Cousins which a few years later became the first chapter in his 1979 book Anatomy of an Illness. In this book Cousins explains how he found relief from an acute inflammation of the spine known as Bechterew Disease.  Cousin’s case was so severe his situation was declared hopeless and was given only months to live.

Cousins, knowing that negative thoughts and attitudes can result in illness; he reasoned that positive thoughts and attitudes may have the opposite effect. With this in mind he checked himself out of the hospital and went to a hotel where he consumed vitamin C and watched humorous movies and TV shows including ‘Candid Camera’ and the Marx Brothers.  In just a few days he found that ten minutes of boisterous laughter resulted in at least two hours of pain-free sleep. He continued his routine until he recovered.

Today, laughter is considered therapy and you can join and participate in AATH – American Association of Therapeutic Humor, join a laughter club and even become a laughter leader. Either way, if you can learn to laugh and make is a daily practice you will increase your positive emotions, improve your immune system, and relieve stress and pain.

Here are ten benefits to laughter:

1.       Laughing at yourself dis-empowers those who would make fun of you and it disarms possible confrontations.

2.       Laughter dissolves stress, tension, anxiety, irritation, anger, grief and depression.

3.       Laughter boosts the immune system.

4.       Laugher reduces pain by releasing endorphins that are more potent than morphine in certain doses.

5.       Humor helps integrate both hemispheres of the brain.

6.       People with a sense of humor are more productive, communicate better and are considered a better ‘team player.’

7.       Laughter and humor attract others. You will have more friends.

8.       Laughter helps you cope with adversity and failure.

9.       Laughter, robust laughter is equivalent to a small amount of exercise and actually burns calories.

10.   Laughter increases your energy.

If laughter is good for kindergartners then it is good for us. Find at least one thing to laugh at today. If, nothing comes to you then try this: go to a semi-private space and stand with your feet shoulder width apart. Raise your hands in the air and reach as high as you can. Now, start to bend at the waist keep your arms straight and as you do so, say out loud “ha, ha, ha, ha” – repeating it as you bend. Repeat the exercise 10 times.

I know this seems like a silly thing to do. But if you can get over the silliness and do this at least once a day for 7 days you will be amazed at the positive emotions it will create.

Another quite practical thing you can do is to find something to laugh at. For today, look at this video – it will make you laugh.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

You can re-learn to laugh!

Posted in Happiness, Relationships, self-esteem | No Comments »

Emotional Spring Cleaning

February 26th, 2010

Not that long ago I was flipping the channels on TV and began watching a show called Clean House. This program is dedicated to helping deserving families de-clutter and organize their homes. Since then I have watched this show several times and I am always amazed at just how much clutter these families live with. For many of them, the clutter has become a way of life and when faced with the prospect of de-cluttering, some of the individuals resist the change even though they know it will be for their own good. How many of us have become accustomed to clutter? I’m not just talking about books and magazines lying around or the pile of clean clothes that need to be folded. I am also talking about emotional cutter, things that are just thrown here and there in our lives that take up emotional space and cause emotional disorganization. When given the chance, how many of us would resist the opportunity to de-clutter knowing it will make a huge difference?

When I was younger, we always did spring cleaning. It was a dreadful time when we opened up the house to air it out and clean it from top to bottom. My job was washing the walls. I was surprised at how dirty the walls had become in just one year. In fact, that wasn’t the only surprise. Every year I would argue that the walls looked fine and didn’t need cleaning. It wasn’t until my stepmother took a wet cloth and wiped a small portion of the walls to show just how dirty it was that I understood. It is that way with us as well; we don’t realize the “dirt” in our lives until we wash a bit of it away and see the contrast. Sometimes it is just too much to deal with, and we learn to be satisfied with “dirty walls” and procrastinate our own emotional spring cleaning. Emotional spring cleaning can come in many forms. It is sometimes a byproduct of a de-cluttering of your office, your desk, your garage. It can also come about in the form of a spiritual awakening. In either case, it is an essential part of becoming happy.

As we approach a long awaited spring, take the time to assess the areas in your life that may need a little spring cleaning. You will be amazed at the emotional freedom that will come as you organize your life, organize your work space or even just your bedroom. Don’t procrastinate, do it today, you don’t need to wait for flowers to bloom or the weather to grow warmer. Do it today!

Posted in Organization | 3 Comments »

Got Self-Esteem?

January 29th, 2010

Is self-esteem real? Does it exist or is it just an excuse to judge ourselves and others? While the answers to these questions may seem obvious, self-esteem is only as real as we make it. Self-esteem cannot be as easily measured as someone’s height, weight or strength. Self-esteem is a mental phenomenon with no standard or objective way of measuring. We are all left up to our own internal yardstick of what is high or low self-esteem.

Typically it is much easier to detect self-esteem in others than it is to measure or detect our own. The irony is that most of our interpersonal judgments are determined by our self-esteem. For instance we may admire someone who is successful in business, wealthy, has a nice car and wears nice clothes as someone who has high self-esteem. However, their success could be a way of compensating for low self-esteem.

As much as we are tempted to assess self-esteem by external conditions such as title, position, wealth, and even beauty, self-esteem is best determined by how we interact with and respond to situations, circumstances and other people. In general a person with high self-esteem will respond by being:

  • Understanding and supportive of others
  • willing to listen first
  • giving
  • eager to learn new things  
  • able to change beliefs and behaviors based on new knowledge.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized, self-esteem | 1 Comment »

Radical Graditude

September 18th, 2009

In 1998 I was laid off for the first time and even though I was eventually hired by the same company that laid me off, it was a difficult and trying time. As I bemoaned having to take a lower position with a lower salary many people would say, “Just be grateful you have a job.” This came from very well-minded individuals that truly cared for me but it sounded like a platitude and a cliché and so I didn’t take it seriously. Looking back, I wish I would have.

Though the phrase, “count your blessings,” may be overused, we shouldn’t let that detract from the efficacy of that statement. Counting your blessings really does make a difference. In several studies respondents were asked to count their blessings each night just before they went to bed. All of the respondents experienced a measureable lift in their mood. Simply counting your blessings, expressing what you are grateful for, will increase your positivity and improve your mood.

If counting your blessings can make a noticeable difference in your mood what kind of impact would you experience if you were to take gratitude to a higher level – something I call ‘radical gratitude’ – or ‘core gratitude.’ Radical gratitude is intense thankfulness that grows from the inside out, a feeling that emanates from your core so that it becomes part of who you are not just something you feel and do.  Let me tell you how this came about.

Several weeks ago I was driving to the Phoenix airport contemplating an upcoming presentation where I would be speaking about radical gratitude. As I was driving, I was thinking how I could make an impact on the audience and help them realize the magnitude of happiness they could achieve by practicing this form of gratefulness. This thought came to me: Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: ,
Posted in Happiness, Radical Gratitude | 3 Comments »

Are you a praise addict?

September 17th, 2009

Emotional addictions are just as powerful and can be just as devastating as physical addictions such as nicotine, drugs and alcohol. One such emotional addiction is praise. We all want to be acknowledged and validated but when our self-worth or our self-esteem depends on the praise of others we may have a praise addiction.

Praise addiction is characterized by a lifestyle that revolves around eliciting positive attention from others by putting yourself in situations where you strive for recognition or by surrounding yourself with friends who consistently flatter you giving you the fix you so desperately need. Just like other addictions, you will feel the manic high associated with a fix and the despair as the high wears off. The ups and downs of praise addiction require serious consideration.

Praise, in moderation, is a good thing. However, many parents over-praise their children in an attempt to raise self-esteem. Self-esteem is raised by doing, by accomplishment, by achieving, not by praise. Confidence without competence is arrogance. It is quite possible that well meaning parents, teachers and other mentors have conditioned you to only feel valued when you are praised. Don’t fall into that trap! You are good enough on your own even if no one tells you. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Emotional Addiction, Happiness | 12 Comments »

Cultivating Optimism

September 16th, 2009

This past week I went to prison. Not for a crime, but to conduct several sessions on Cultivating Optimism. You may think that prison is an unlikely place for a topic such as optimism but I learned the opposite – that optimism is crucial in such a negative environment. Many of us experience negativity and stress every day – optimism can make a real difference in your life!

How many of us feel as if we are in prison? My coaching clients often tell me they feel stuck in a job they don’t like, in a marriage that isn’t working, or they feel they need to walk on eggshells. Isn’t that like an emotional prison?  While they may not be incarcerated they are held captive by their own thinking and believe that their situation is making them unhappy. There have been many studies that substantiate the idea that only about 10% of our life satisfaction and happiness is derived from our circumstances. Your circumstances are not the source of your unhappiness.

You can learn to be optimistic. Optimism is a skill. Becoming optimistic simply requires some attention and self-discipline. In the “Cultivating Optimism” sessions I taught the inmates the 4 powerful steps to create optimism through exercises in gratitude, reframing adversity, creating positive self-image and learning to not overthink.

Gratitude, if approached with some seriousness can lift your mood and help you see that life isn’t all that bad. When we experience adversity, it is easy to blame others and become pessimistic. You can learn to turn adversity into opportunity in a way that creates positive emotions which is critical to being optimistic. Too often people label themselves as a pessimist or an optimist. This flows from your self-image. You can create a new self-image of optimism. Lastly, if you are someone who ruminates and overthinks, learning how to stop overthinking can create hope instead of negativity.

To some degree we are all in a prison, held captive by our attitude and perception. Optimism is a skill that you can learn. Feeling grateful, overcoming adversity, improving your self-image and learning how to not overthink will help you break free from pessimism and unlock your potential to be optimistic. Optimists are healthier, have better jobs, handle stress and trauma better and live longer. Those benefits alone should be enough to motivate you to learn to cultivate optimism in your daily life. Looking on the bright side just became a whole lot easier.

Kirk

Tags: ,
Posted in Cultivating Optimism, Happiness | 9 Comments »

« Older Entries